The bells shattered the stillness, the sound moving gracefully through the bustling cities and signalling noon. Even though his ears failed to pick up the sound, he beamed at the accomplishment.

Quasimodo raised his head to the slanted roof of the clock tower, yawning faintly before turning away from the gargantuan bells which dominated most of the space.  He had completed the exact same process every day, nevertheless, it was treated as a grand accomplishment to get the bells ringing in extravagant synchronization.

His hunched frame hobbled toward a small rack of clothing where he took an oversized coat. It should suffice for the trek he would take into the village as the clothing would hide his… hideous features. Quasimodo pulled the coat over his short frame before escaping the still room.

His surroundings were now an empty room, supported only by large, stone pillars which were cracked and chipped at the sides. To his left, was an empty window frame which led to the busy streets and markets of Paris. Quasimodo hauled himself over the frame, his feet touching soft gravel instantly as he tugged at the hood of the coat, the fabric draping over his deformed face.

Quasimodo’s attentive eyes darted across the crammed streets, looking for the usual shop he would buy from. Unable to find it, he moved forward slowly, taking precaution of the large crowd he was about to step into and the blackened clouds which rolled in.

Children scuttled past; followed by mothers, fathers merchants… whom all had upright frames and smiles stretched across their faces, emanating an atmosphere of glee. A grin etched its way on the face of the hunch back, his posture uncurling a little further. That was when his foot caught on a stone which jutted awkwardly from the gravel footpath. His foot skid along the rocks and he was flipped onto the ground.

Quasimodo’s coat was torn and the hood was snagged by more rocks. His face had been revealed and the coat feebly hung from his arms. People turned in alarm, smiles instantaneously dropping from faces and turning into sneers, filled with immediate disgust.

“Monster! It’s that monster from the tower!” A voice boomed, as the hunch back made a feeble attempt at coming to his feet. Children began scraping up rocks, preparing to peg them at the monster.

“Leave!” Another voice called, not aware that Quasimodo was unable to hear their appeals for his departure. As this was said, the children pegged stones at him, laughing with glee, thinking this activity was fun and it was only meant for pleasure – as if this monster was a source of enjoyment. Another frail attempt at coming to his feet – he had to stand. His grotesque shape finally managed to come at a standing posture but the shower of rocks only beckoned another fall.

The crowd around him sneered and spat, scraping up rocks constantly, pegging them at every part of his body. Quasimodo grunted and moaned, his body flinching every time one of the stones hit his body. The sky was illuminated with a fierce crack of lightning, following by a cacophony of thunder which shook the ground. Children shrieked but the elder ones relentlessly threw rocks and old pieces of fruit.

A growl sounded fiercely from the shadows which beckoned Quasimodo’s existence, followed by a unsettling howl. As this transpired, rain began attacking the mass of people, forming miniature puddles in the middle of the road instantly. The mob faltered, before jogging away and taking cover in the comfort of buildings.

Quasimodo shuddered before turning around to see a large dog, much like himself. The canine only had three legs and it was missing a left eye along with half of its snout. The hunch back moved forward, ever so slowly, as pain jolted through every part of his body. “Hello there.” He muttered, extending a bruised hand toward the animal whilst wincing with pain – even the simplest of movements would provoke discomfort or agony.

The dog moved forward, nuzzling the extended hand, signalling the trust which was instantly confided in this man. After a few seconds, the dog turned back to its home; the poor side of the street where many poverty-stricken people took refuge. Quasimodo gave a slight nod, before hobbling away, rain pelting at his weak body.

Quasimodo stuck to the one place he belonged - the shadows – avoiding the gaze of anyone whom was trying to escape the surge of rain. He finally reached the tower, which he snuck into instantly, exhaling with relief as he was now protected.

Why did life have to be like this? Quasimodo tried to fit into the society he was introduced to – but instead, he would have to hide away and when he came out he’d have to hide his grotesque features. He headed up a spiralling, cobble stone staircase, disregarding the agony as he progressed. He looked up at the enormous bells which hung from large ropes, amidst the stale smelling room.

This was where he belonged – an outsider to Paris and an abomination upon Earth – this was his home.

Feedback would be MUCH appreciated.

Very Very good. Excellent descriptive language and visualising. Glad to see noone died in this one

Wow. It creates such atmosphere that enhance the story...

Too bad it's kinda short for story, but that's all I can complaint. Awesome work!
Is this one scene of Quasimodo's story?

P.S.: You inspired me to make a story, too. In English.

richter_h wrote:

Wow. It creates such atmosphere that enhance the story...

Too bad it's kinda short for story, but that's all I can complaint. Awesome work!
Is this one scene of Quasimodo's story?

P.S.: You inspired me to make a story, too. In English.

Well, this is for an English Essay I got a week ago, I have a 500-1000 word-limit, so I would have made it longer if I could of.

This is only one scene of Quasimodo's story - I guess you could say - I may write more.

Was a very good read, but I feel as if I must point out a few things. In my opinion, the story was a bit too wordy. Yes, that's possible. It sort of feels like you were over-describing things.

The story kinda left me in the dust at a few points, such as when he went to the market. One moment Quasimodo is being pelted by rocks, then the next there is suddenly rain and a dog. In the way this scene was written, it seems as if the thunderstorm was some sort of intervention by a higher power, with the dog being a sort of figure of it, a heavenly messenger, you could say. However, the story goes on without mention of anything else happening, which is when I realized that these were merely normal occurrences. I feel as if this section could have flowed better; it all seemed very hazy.

I also feel as if you overly describe what's going on, then suddenly jump to another scene/happening. I really think you need to have better transitions. Focus a bit less on being descriptive and put that focus on making the story flow well.

As for grammatical errors: there weren't many. There seem to be quite a lot of sentences that use contradicting words. "The bells shattered the stillness, the sound moving gracefully through the bustling cities and signalling noon." has many contradicting words in it. How do the bells shatter the stillness, while still moving gracefully? These words don't seem to really add up. How can the air be still, while having a bustling city below? This all leads to flow once again, I think.

I won't go and point out every grammatical flaw, but there were a few that sort of made reading confusing, such as in the first sentence. "...cities and signalling noon." could have been changed to, "...cities, signalling noon." to make it simpler to understand.



But overall, it's pretty good. The only huge complaints I have are the flow of the story. Some parts don't really seem to transition well. You wording could use work, but it got the point across.

I really agree with Cyrus.

The story is very tasteful very rich, but I got confused on the part about the thunderstorm and the dog. At first, I thought the dog had some superpower and was causing the thunderstorm, but then i realized that the dog was just normal, and the thunderstorm was a perfectly normal occurrence...

Other than that, you should write more.