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 Lucky to Have You

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Diamond
Lord of Diamonds
Lord of Diamonds
Diamond

Posts : 953
RPG Tokens : 5408
Join date : 2014-07-05
Age : 26
Location : On the Land of Growth and Health.

Lucky to Have You Empty
PostSubject: Lucky to Have You Lucky to Have You I_icon_minitimeWed Oct 29, 2014 11:43 am

I entered this story into a competition, I didn't win though Crying Sad
Oh well:

Jax checked, left to right, before he got on the train. He had never skipped school like this so he was bound to be nervous; as he boarded the train he noticed some people giving him strange looks "Buzz off" he thought himself. He looked around for an empty seat; he spotted one next to a lady. She looked to be in around her fifties. He smiled as he approached her "Is this seat taken?" he asked still smiling. "No it's not. You can sit down if you want," the lady replied sweetly.
"Thanks," he said before sitting down next to her. He sighed deeply, leaned back on the chair and closed his eyes.

By the time he had travelled two stations he was woken up by two male ticket inspectors.
"Ticket sir," one of the inspectors said in a gruff voice.
Jax sighed deeply as he pulled out his ticket and handed it over to the inspector.
"Shouldn't you be in school young man?" The other ticket inspector asked, while the one who had his ticket checked over it.
"Uhhh... I have an excursion; I'm meeting my class at Royal Park station," Jax lied
"Shouldn't the rest of your class be on the train with you then?"
Uh-oh Jax thought to himself. Busted, he should've known this would happen.
"I'm running late" Jax said. He was stretching this lie out. The ticket inspectors knew it and he knew that they knew it too. He had his ticket handed back to him. The inspectors walked off without another word. "Phew" he said to himself. He noticed that the lady sitting next to him was gone and had been replaced by a man who looked like he was 20 and had just woken up.

"Hey" Jax said to him.

The man didn't reply.
Jax closed his eyes again. When he woke up he was at The Royal Park station. He sighed as he got out of the train, started searching for a flower shop, which he eventually found. He purchased a dozen roses off a young lady who looked like she was new to the job. As he left the flower shop roses in hand he saw the hospital and entered, making his way to the front desk, he smiled to the man behind the counter "Can I help you, young man?" The man asked.

"I'm looking for a Sarah Morris' room," Jax said.
"She's on the fourth floor, eighth room," The man behind the desk replied.
Jax nodded and headed towards the elevator. When he reached the fourth floor he stepped out of the elevator and on his left found a sign that said "ROOMS 4-8." So he continued in that direction. He approached room eight and knocked on the door, silence. He opened the door and placed the roses in a vase. He walked around to the girl in the bed and kissed her on the forehead
"Hello beautiful," Jax said smiling.

I honestly dunno how I feel about this story. I just felt like writing somethin' that wasn't fantasy.

Feedback would be appreciated, if you have any questions let me know. Very Happy
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http://steamcommunity.com/id/Lord_Diamond/
Brutality
Forum Lurker
Forum Lurker
Brutality

Posts : 772
RPG Tokens : 4759
Join date : 2014-05-09
Age : 25
Location : Near a river. I'm not kidding. I could walk across a road and through the woods to the river, but that would be trespassing.

Lucky to Have You Empty
PostSubject: Re: Lucky to Have You Lucky to Have You I_icon_minitimeWed Oct 29, 2014 11:53 am

What happens next?
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Diamond
Lord of Diamonds
Lord of Diamonds
Diamond

Posts : 953
RPG Tokens : 5408
Join date : 2014-07-05
Age : 26
Location : On the Land of Growth and Health.

Lucky to Have You Empty
PostSubject: Re: Lucky to Have You Lucky to Have You I_icon_minitimeWed Oct 29, 2014 11:54 am

Bared Shiny Teeth wrote:
What happens next?

Well... There was a word limit so I kinda just had to leave it up to the reader, however in my mind it goes along the lines of: Jax proceeded to pet his loyal elephant which he thought was a real beauty! Very Happy
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http://steamcommunity.com/id/Lord_Diamond/
Brutality
Forum Lurker
Forum Lurker
Brutality

Posts : 772
RPG Tokens : 4759
Join date : 2014-05-09
Age : 25
Location : Near a river. I'm not kidding. I could walk across a road and through the woods to the river, but that would be trespassing.

Lucky to Have You Empty
PostSubject: Re: Lucky to Have You Lucky to Have You I_icon_minitimeWed Oct 29, 2014 1:24 pm

oh. okay *Brute proceeds to be confused*
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Diamond
Lord of Diamonds
Lord of Diamonds
Diamond

Posts : 953
RPG Tokens : 5408
Join date : 2014-07-05
Age : 26
Location : On the Land of Growth and Health.

Lucky to Have You Empty
PostSubject: Re: Lucky to Have You Lucky to Have You I_icon_minitimeWed Oct 29, 2014 2:11 pm

Well, Sarah Morris isn't an elephant lol. In reality I just hit the word limit and left it up to the reader to decide what happens next.
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http://steamcommunity.com/id/Lord_Diamond/
Brutality
Forum Lurker
Forum Lurker
Brutality

Posts : 772
RPG Tokens : 4759
Join date : 2014-05-09
Age : 25
Location : Near a river. I'm not kidding. I could walk across a road and through the woods to the river, but that would be trespassing.

Lucky to Have You Empty
PostSubject: Re: Lucky to Have You Lucky to Have You I_icon_minitimeWed Oct 29, 2014 9:00 pm

Hm. My critic would be that you have an open ending that is TOO open. In other words, you left too much for the reader to decide, making the story feel... erm, unsubstantial. The end is not the end. xD Perhaps you could say that he walks over, says hi, blah blah blah, looks out the window and sighs, what a nice day, the end. Or what a bad day. That would be a better ending. Anyways, your ending is the thing you gotta work on. Other than that, it's spick and span. Very Happy
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Diamond
Lord of Diamonds
Lord of Diamonds
Diamond

Posts : 953
RPG Tokens : 5408
Join date : 2014-07-05
Age : 26
Location : On the Land of Growth and Health.

Lucky to Have You Empty
PostSubject: Re: Lucky to Have You Lucky to Have You I_icon_minitimeThu Oct 30, 2014 12:28 am

Bared Shiny Teeth wrote:
Hm. My critic would be that you have an open ending that is TOO open. In other words, you left too much for the reader to decide, making the story feel... erm, unsubstantial. The end is not the end. xD Perhaps you could say that he walks over, says hi, blah blah blah, looks out the window and sighs, what a nice day, the end. Or what a bad day. That would be a better ending. Anyways, your ending is the thing you gotta work on. Other than that, it's spick and span. Very Happy

Well, like I said, for the competition I hit the word limit. Thanks for the feedback though.
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PostSubject: Re: Lucky to Have You Lucky to Have You I_icon_minitime

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