Shibe Chat Moderator
Posts : 664 RPG Tokens : 4894 Join date : 2013-09-01 Age : 26 Location : Probably hiding in a closet or something TBH
| Subject: The Cereal Story Corner Sat Mar 15, 2014 6:47 pm | |
| Hi there! this is the thread where I post chapters of my serial stories. I'm planning to update at least once per week. Stories: - Scattered Shards:
- Prologue:
It was yet another cold day. Much like yesterday, and multiple days before it, the shining sun had hidden behind an endless blanket of fluffy white clouds, and only a few rays managed to bypass the soft wall. Not that it really mattered, as Skylar, like many other kids her age, rarely went outside, and spent most of their time working on whatever sorts of tasks they have to accomplish. For Skylar, she had to finish her history essay that she had procrastinated on, which was due tomorrow.
After what felt like hours of work, she stretched out her arms to the sky and yawned; a quick glance at the clock confirmed that it was nearing the 23rd hour of the day. She looked back at the screen of her treasured laptop, as she scrolled the sidebar down to check up on the contents of her document. Another yawn, before she pressed the Ctrl and P key down at the same time. She proceeded to stumble towards the printer, then took the warm, freshly-inked sheets, then stapled the corners together, and then put them into her folder, which was then put into her bag. She then went upstairs to her room, passing the great window which displayed a big canvas of black with a multitude of tiny splotches of white; she then blinked hard, before covering the scene with the heavy teal drapes and continuing the trek to the bedroom.
- Chapter 1:
A stray strand of light had hit her tanned caramel skin as she walked into the dark, packed classroom, right behind a horde of other sleep-deprived students. It didn't help that it was first period, and that most of the students did not have access to coffee. She stumbled over to her regular seat, right next to the right side of the room, and on the 2nd row.
"Yo Sky! How late did you stay up?" She flinched at the loud voice, before looking back right at its owner; a young boy, wearing a lime green sweatshirt suitable for weather colder than what was expected, sat in the seat right behind him, with a slightly crumpled packet of paper in front of him. Upon further inspection, his chestnut hair was unusually neat, and his green eyes were bright and devoid of any tiredness.
"11. You?" Conscious of the fact that her companion had neater hair than her, she ran her fingers through it, hoping it would settle down in its default, neat state.
"10." The boy grinned, as Sky leaned towards him, her face contorting into one of disbelief.
"You're kidding me, right? I mean, you're usually the one that puts off work until the last minute…"
"Yeah…" He chuckled, and pointed to his left. "Well, this guy over here made sure that I finished my rough copy three days ago."
To his left sat a tall young man, who wore a royal blue hoodie on top of a black long-sleeved shirt. His curly ebony hair was neatly combed back, and his brown eyes focused on Luke from behind a pair of rectangular, metallic frames.
"Hey, you would have procrastinated if I hadn't intervened, and that's not good," he retorted back, crossing his arms. "Anyways, being proactive made this paper easier to write, right?"
Luke leaned back in his seat, unable to hide his smile. "Yeah, I guess. Well, then, thank you for your help, Sam." He put a little emphasis on the last word.
"No problem, just give me a call-" He suddenly let out a little yelp as he jerked forwards, and a little fluorescent pink ball of paper landed in his hood. Luke instinctively reached for it, and as he stretched it out to its original form, he couldn't help but stifle a laugh.
"Hey guys, you should really quiet down. Class is about to start." The trio turned their heads around to the girl sitting behind Luke, who was doodling on a piece of lined paper. This girl had long, orange hair that reached halfway down her back, or at least halfway down the white sweater she wore.
"Geez, Natsu, why d'you have to be such a killjoy?" Luke muttered as he put the pink paper into his pocket and leaned back into his seat. As soon as he did that, the bell rang, signifying that class has officially started.
- Chapter 2:
Coming Soon
Last edited by Ashen Lamb on Wed Mar 19, 2014 1:51 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Captain Nemo Forum Lurker
Posts : 3892 RPG Tokens : 8322 Join date : 2013-08-28 Age : 24
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validnr Active Poster
Posts : 112 RPG Tokens : 4310 Join date : 2013-09-26
| Subject: Re: The Cereal Story Corner Mon Mar 17, 2014 10:58 am | |
| It sounds really nice, but I noticed one thing that doesn't sound right. - Shibe wrote:
- After what felt like hours of work, she stretched out her arms to the sky and yawned; a quick glance at the clock confirmed that it was nearing the 23rd hour of the day. She looked back at the screen of her treasured laptop, as she scrolled the sidebar down to check up on the contents of her document. Another yawn, and she pressed the Ctrl 1and P key down at the same time. She proceeded to stumble towards the printer, then took the warm, freshly-inked sheets, then stapled the corners together, and then put them into her folder, which was then went into her bag.2 She then went upstairs to her room, passing the great window which displayed a big canvas of black with a multitude of tiny splotches of white; she then blinked hard, before covering the scene with the heavy teal drapes and continuing the trek to the bedroom.
With number one, the sentence structuring doesn't seem right, maybe some rewording would do good. Number two: just a typo. Can't wait for chapter 1, I like it! |
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Shibe Chat Moderator
Posts : 664 RPG Tokens : 4894 Join date : 2013-09-01 Age : 26 Location : Probably hiding in a closet or something TBH
| Subject: Re: The Cereal Story Corner Wed Mar 19, 2014 1:50 am | |
| Thank you all or your feedback! I've edited it a bit, and added the first chapter. |
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